©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 1
Transgender and Gender-Nonconforming Jewish Wedding Service
by Rabbi Eli Kukla, 2006
Over the past months as a newly ordained rabbi I have had the privilege of offi ciating at a
number of weddings involving transgender and/or gender nonconforming people. In some
ways these weddings are no more or less unique than any other wedding and involve the
same spiritual complexities and personal nuances as a mainstream wedding, however there are
also a few issues that emerged that led to diff erent ritual or pastoral decisions. is is a ritual
template for creating a Jewish wedding service that celebrates gender and sexual diversity.
is ritual template is very similar to a traditional Jewish wedding. I have made a few linguistic
changes in the service to more honestly speak to a variety of diff erent identities, but the
fl ow of the ritual follows the classical pattern. is choice refl ects my belief that rituals that
have organically developed over centuries are more eff ective and multi-vocal than the newly
minted kind. I also think that gender and sexual diversity has always existed within Jewish
communities and this diversity lies buried within the traditional texts of our tradition and it
is up to us to claim the richness of our heritage.
ere are two main issues that are specifi c to weddings for transgender and gender
nonconforming families that impact the creation of this ritual:
Ritually signifying the gender identity of each member of the couple. Weddings can be 1.
an opportunity to bring together relatives or friends from the past. is is a wonderful
chance to pull these people into the present life of the partners however there may be
confusion about how the partners want their gender to be understood. It is up to the
offi ciant to clearly indicate how each member of the partnership should be celebrated: as
a bride, as a groom or as something else. It is possible to indicate gender subtly within the
liturgical fl ow of the service. is is a spiritually signifi cant moment for these lovers and
they deserve to be seen and recognized as fully as possible.
Family of origin and chosen family. Because of the realities of homophobia and transphobia 2.
many queer, transgender and gender nonconforming people have estranged or diffi cult
relationship with their families of origin. Furthermore, within LGBTIQ (lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer) communities the concept of “family” has
been redefi ned to encompass a wide variety of confi gurations and includes relatives not
connected by the traditional ties of biology or legally sanctioned marriage. It is important
for the offi ciant to understand who each member of the partnership does or does not see
as their family and extend the appropriate honours and visibility to these people.
©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 2
Finally, a note on the Hebrew used in this template. It is impossible to refer to an individual 3.
without using gender in Hebrew. To solve this problem one possible option is to mix up
the gender of the pronoun and the gender of the verb as I have done through-out this
template in order to indicate gender complexity. If these “mixed up” options are bring
used, they should be explained and contextualized by the offi ciant so it doesn’t seem like
simply incorrect Hebrew.
Ritual Template
Outline:
WelcomeI.
Birkat Erusin (Blessings of Commitment)II.
Kiddushin (Blessings of Holiness)III.
KetubahIV.
Sheva Brachot (Blessings of Joy)V.
Birkat Kehilla (Blessing of Community)VI.
Breaking the GlassVII.
WelcomeI.
It is traditional to welcome the partners to the chuppah with a Hebrew blessing and this is a
good opportunity to immediately signal how the partners want their genders to be understood.
is can be done by saying something simple like: “We welcome Shoshana and Chaya with
the blessing for two brides…” Each member of the partnership can be welcomed individually
or they can be greeted together.
For an individual who wants to indicate an alternate gender identity:
Brucha Ha’ba b’shem Adonai
For a bride:
Brucha Ha’ba’a b’shem Adonai
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For a groom:
Baruch Ha’ba b’shem Adonai
For a couple that would like to indicate complex genders:
Bruchim ha’baot b’shem Adonai
For two brides:
Bruchot ha’baot b’shem Adonai
For two grooms, for a bride and a groom, or for a couple that wants to indicate as
little gender as possible:
Bruchim ha’baim b’shem Adonai
Translation of all of the above: Blessed are you who come in the name of the Eternal!
After welcoming the partners to the chuppah it has become a common tradition to mention
deceased loved ones who are not physically present, but whose memories we want to honour at
this ritual. is is an opportunity to signal to the community who is seen as “family” at this
event and identify deceased members of the couple’s chosen family as relatives.
II. Blessings of commitment (Birkat Erusin)
In a traditional wedding service birkat erusin, the blessing of betrothal, indicates that the
couple is entering into a “permitted” as opposed to a “prohibited” relationship. e defi nition
of “prohibited” relationships in traditional Jewish law includes LGBTIQ expressions of love
and identity. However, I think the idea of a blessing for commitment that asserts the idea that
the relationship we are celebrating is worth sanctifying is important. I wrote this alternative
birkat erusin to refl ect the idea that lovers of all genders and sexual identities can be holy, but
only caring consensual relationships are sanctifi ed within Jewish sacred tradition.
Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, borey p’ri ha-gafen
Blessed are You, O Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World, Who creates the fruit
of the vine.
©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 4
Baruch ata Adonai Eloheynu melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav vitzivanu al
mitzvot beyn adam l’chaveyro, v’asar lanu nitsul v’hit’al’lut, v’ hitir lanu britot ahuvim.
Baruch ata Adonai, m’ kadesh amo Yisra’el al y’ dey chupah.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World, who has set us apart
through sacred obligations and commanded us about the responsibilities of all humans
for each other. You have forbidden exploitation and abuse, and permitted covenants
of love. Blessed are You, Eternal One, who makes your people Israel (all those who
struggle with God), holy with a chupah (a canopy of love and protection.)
Partners share the wine.
III. Blessings of Holiness (Kiddushin)
Kiddushin, which literally means holiness or “setting apart”, is the heart of the Jewish wedding
service and signifi es the sanctity of this moment. However, in traditional Jewish law the words
of kiddushin lead to the legal acquisition of the bride by the groom. Modern egalitarian
communities have tried to redefi ne these words, however I feel that the formula itself is
inherently problematic. I have changed the liturgy to refl ect the idea that no acquisition is
taking place in an egalitarian wedding. Instead of saying: “Behold I am making you holy/set
apart!” I suggest that couples say: “Behold, you are holy/set apart for me.” is change in the
language shifts the beloved from the object to the subject of the sentence, hence avoiding any
implication of objectifi cation!
Partners exchange an item of value and each says to the other:
To an individual who does not wish to identify as either a bride or a groom:
Harai at kodesh li!
To a bride:
Harai at kodeshet li!
To a groom:
Harai ata kodesh li!
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Translation: Behold, you are holy to me!
Some couples may choose to add the traditional words: K’dat Moshe v’Israel (accorording to
the religion of Moses and Israel)
IV. Ketubah and/or Personal Vows
At this point in the ritual, the ketubah (wedding contract) is usually read in order to indicate
the break between the legal betrothal and the joyful celebration of the partnership. A variety
of forms of ketubot can be written to refl ect the particular needs of the couple. is is also
an appropriate moment to insert personal readings, vows, etc. to refl ect the complex realities
of queer, transgender, and gender-nonconforming families. ese vows may also refl ect the
cultural diversity of chosen families or families of origin.
VI. Blessings of Joy (Sheva Brachot)
e seven blessings recited at a wedding shift the ritual from a legal commitment ceremony
to a joyful celebration of the union. Most of the words of these blessing can be used with
queer, transgender and gender non-conforming families with very small adjustments and/or
explanations.
e only language that I have changed is using “ahuv v’yedid” (gender neutral terms for
“lover and beloved”) in the place of the words “chatan v’kalah” (bride and groom). In the
seventh blessing I have also changed the word “narim” (servant boys) to “chevarim” (friends/
community) to refl ect a queer sense of chosen family.
e rest of the language I have not changed, but I sometimes feel a need to interpret some of
these texts so that they make sense in a queer context. e focus on Zion and Israel in the
fi fth blessing may feel overly particularistic to queer, transgender and gender nonconforming
individuals who are used to experiences of exclusion. I usually explain that the word Israel can
be understood as a non-national or ethnic concept in classical texts. e translation of “Israel”
is “God-wrestler” and I often suggest that we understand the word literally as all people who
are struggling to live a more whole life in relationship to the Divine.
e Garden of Eden and Adam and Chava, the fi rst human beings, are mentioned in the
third and fourth blessings. To some LGBTIQQ people this reference may feel inherently
heterosexual, however it may be helpful to explain that according to the Midrash (Bereshit
©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 6
Rabbah) the fi rst human being created in the image of God was an androgynos, an intersex
person. Hence the primordial joy of the fi rst human being connecting to another person is
relevant for lovers of all genders.
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, borey p’ri ha-gafen 1.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World,
Who creates the fruit of the vine.
Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, 2.
she-ha-kol bara lich-vodo.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World,
Who has created everything in Your glory.
Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, yotser ha-adam. 3.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World,
Who is forming the human being.
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, 4.
asher yatsar et ha-adam b’tsalmo,
b’tselem demut tavnito,
v’ hitkin lo mimenu binyan adey ad.
Baruch atah Adonai, yotser ha-adam.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World,
who has created us all in Your image,
in the image of the likeness of Yourself,
and placed within us an eternally renewing structure.
Blessed are You, Eternal, Architect of humanity.
©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 7
Sos tasis v’tagel ha-akara, 5.
b’kibuts baneha l’tochah b’simcha.
Baruch atah, Adonai, m’sameyach Tsiyon b’vanehah
Joy – bring joy and gladness to the lonely city,
by gathering her children to her in happiness.
Blessed are You, Eternal, who will make Zion happy with her children.
Sameyach t’samach chaverot(im) ha-ahuvot (im), 6.
k’samey-cha-cha yetsir-cha b’Gan Eyden mi-kedem.
Baruch ata, Adonai, m’sameyach chaverim ahuvim.
Give delight, delight to these loving friends,
as you delighted Your creations in Paradise of old.
Blessed are You, Eternal, who delights these loving friends.
Brucha atah Adonai, Eloheynu Melech ha-olam, 7.
asher bara sason v’simcha, ahuv v’yedid,
gila, rina, ditza v’chedvah, ahava v’achava,
v’shalom v’rey-ut.
M’hera, Adonai Eloheynu, yi-shama
b’arey Yehuda u-v’chutsot Yerushalayim,
kol sason v’ kol simcha, kol ahuv v’ kol yedid,
kol mitz-halot ahuvim mey-chupatam,
u-chaverim mi-mishtey neginatam.
Baruch ata, Adonai, m’sameyach ahuv v’yedid.
Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World,
Who created delight and gladness, lover and beloved,
glad song, pleasure, merriment, laughter, love and companionship, friendship and
wholeness. Quickly, Eternal, our God, let us hear
in the cities of Judah and Jerusalem’s streets,
voices of gladness, voices of joy, the voice of the lover and the voice of the beloved,
voices of jubilant lovers at wedding feasts,
and friends at their banquets of song.
Blessed are You, Eternal, who delights the lover and the beloved.
©TransTorah and Rabbi Elliot Kukla, 2006 Page 8
VI. Blessings of Community (Birkat Kehilla)
is point in the service is an appropriate time to ask the community to silently off er blessings
to the couple and signal the signifi cance of community/chosen family at this ritual.
VII. Breaking the Glass
MAZEL TOV!
