Wooden Overcoats 3.2 – Altar Ego © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019
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WOODEN OVERCOATS
EPISODE 3.2 – ALTAR EGO
By
James Hamilton & James Huntrods
RECORDING SCRIPT
Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH
Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE
Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY
Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE
Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG
Reverend Nigel Wavering ~ ANDY SECOMBE
Herbert Cough ~ ANDY HAMILTON
Jennifer Delacroix ~ ALANA ROSS
Agatha Doyle ~ ALISON SKILBECK
Mayor Desmond Desmond ~ SEAN BAKER
Tanya / Claudette / Mouse ~ HOLLY CAMPELL
Bill / Serge / Waiter ~ PIP GLADWIN
Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved.
www.woodenovercoats.com
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PRE-TITLES.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Antigone Funn runs a funeral home in the village of
Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one. It isn’t anymore.
Antigone is a woman of private passions, and she’d
prefer to keep them that way. So why is she writing her
very first book? And could that book really be… raunchy?
THEME TUNE.
ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats, by David K. Barnes. Season Three,
Episode Two: Altar Ego by James Hamilton and James
Huntrods.
SCENE 1.
PIFFLING ROYALE CINEMA FOYER ATMOS.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Thursday night meant another visit for Antigone to
the Piffling Royale Cinema to unwind with a wilfully
inaccessible French film. But when she purchased her
ticket from Herbert Cough, she learnt a fact that knocked
her for six, and chilled her right to the bone:
ANTIGONE: You mean somebody else has bought a ticket?!
HERBERT: I know, Miss Funn! I’m as disappointed as you are!
ANTIGONE: But it’s Où Est La Piscine Du Chagrin! I hardly wanted to
see it myself! Didn’t you try to put them off?
HERBERT: Of course I did! I read them the blurb! I said, “Sir, do you
really want to sit through a three hour French non-linear
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metaphor for the Maastricht Treaty? It’s Thursday, for
Heaven’s sake.”
ANTIGONE: And he still went in?
HERBERT: Yes! Even when I told him it’d been described as
“perniciously bereft of dialogue, pacing, and plot.”
ANTIGONE: You showed him the five star review?! Oh, Herbert!
HERBERT: I tried my best, Miss Funn! I thought you’d be sat on your
own in the cinema whilst I sat on my own in the booth,
just as usual. But now you’ll be on your own with
someone else! While I’ll just be... on my own.
ANTIGONE: It sounds like bliss! Couldn’t we swap places? I’ll run the
film and you can go and watch it.
HERBERT: Oh no, my union wouldn’t allow it! They’d picket my
popcorn maker if I let you do that.
ANTIGONE: I want to be alone!
HERBERT: I am sorry, believe me! Do you still want your ticket? I
know I’ve let you down by accepting another customer-
ANTIGONE: No no no, alright – but don’t do it again!
STOMPS OFF INTO AUDITORIUM.
SCENE 2.
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AUDITORIUM.
ANTIGONE: (MUTTERING) This is outrageous... Should give them a
piece of my mind… Who is the bloody fool anyway?
WAVERING: Antigone Funn! Why hello there!
ANTIGONE: Reverend Wavering?
WAVERING: Yes, it’s me! I’ve bought a hot dog!
ANTIGONE: I don’t care! What in God’s name are you doing here?
WAVERING: Oh I’m not here in God’s name, I can assure you! I hear
this film gets a little blue.
ANTIGONE: No – what – maybe! I had no idea and you can’t prove
anything to the contrary-
WAVERING: I’m sure I can’t! Shall we sit together? Clearly we’re both
connoisseurs of the arguably erotic arts!
ANTIGONE: That’s exactly why I don’t want to sit next to you.
WAVERING: I also have popcorn! Buttered!
ANTIGONE: Please don’t say that again.
FILM MUSIC STARTS.
WAVERING: Ooo, it’s kicking off! Come on, sit down!
ANTIGONE: (WRETCHED SIGH)
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SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM. IN FILM:
SERGE: Vous avez été éclaboussé par une flaque d'eau tout en
allant à mon magasin.
CLAUDETTE: Mais hélas! Ça ne m'a pas vraiment mouiller.
WAVERING: Ho ho! This is heating up faster than the swimming pool I
presume they’re going to!
IN FILM, SPLASHES IN SWIMMING POOL.
Called it!
ANTIGONE: (GNASHES TEETH)
SERGE: Je suis le secouriste!
CLAUDETTE: Votre brasse! Mon Dieu!
SERGE: Je suis le secouriste!!!
WAVERING: This is corking stuff! Exactly what I needed!
HE SCRIBBLES NOTES.
ANTIGONE: (APPALLED) Are you writing things down?
WAVERING: Shhh! I can’t hear the subtitles.
ANTIGONE: But this is piracy! Inefficient piracy!
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WAVERING: I’m simply writing them down for inspiration. Though I
can’t see my paper very well; I might have scribbled that
last one on my cassock.
ANTIGONE: Shouldn’t you be using more… spiritual sources for your
sermons?
WAVERING: Oh gosh, no, it’s not for those. You mustn’t tell anyone
about this -
ANTIGONE: Trust me, I won’t be telling anyone about this.
WAVERING: - but I’ve always fancied myself a bit of an author. It’s just
I’ve never known what to write. And then I realised what I,
Nigel Wavering, could give to the world!
ANTIGONE: Parables and moral guidance?
WAVERING: No! Sexy literature!
ANTIGONE: This is wretched.
WAVERING: I was flicking through a scrapbook of my favourite
funerals, and I realised: we haven’t had a real belter of a
lusty book since Island of Passion.
ANTIGONE: I suppose Captain Sodbury knew how to pen a strong,
steamy metaphor…
WAVERING: I knew you’d read it!
ANTIGONE: Shut up.
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WAVERING: And so I thought to myself, “Well, Nigel, no point in
moping about it – you ought to step up and do it yourself!”
And so I’m ruddy well going to!
ANTIGONE: Isn’t there a clash with representing the purity of Christ?
WAVERING: Fingers crossed he doesn’t exist! For the time being.
ANTIGONE: Right.
WAVERING: So that’s why I came here! To write down the most
suggestive subtitles in this notebook for research. It’s like
a mood board, but all the moods are “sexy”.
ANTIGONE: Look, just because it’s French doesn’t make it sexy.
WAVERING: I find that hard to believe, but you’re the expert I suppose!
I should have enough inspiration if I keep coming here for
a year or so.
ANTIGONE: Wait - what?! You’re going to come to this cinema every
Thursday when I do for a year or so?!
WAVERING: If you insist!
ANTIGONE: No that wasn’t a – ohhhh!!
WAVERING: Though maybe I don’t even need to write the book at all.
These films seem almost as good -
ANTIGONE: (GRITTED TEETH) How would you know if you keep
talking through them? (CALMS HERSELF, THEN:) You
know something? I think you should write that book!
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WAVERING: You do?
ANTIGONE: But you shouldn’t wait a year – you should start tonight!
WAVERING: No time like the present, you mean?
ANTIGONE: Before you pollute your artistic vision by watching all
these films! The world needs pure Reverend Wavering,
not any of this half-baked, exquisite nonsense!
WAVERING: I say, you’re quite inspiring! Do you think this is how
those chaps in the Gospels felt?
ANTIGONE: I can only hope it is. Now go forth! And create! And never
come back here again!
WAVERING: (STANDS) Damn it, you’re right! I’m going to write the
raunchiest book this island has ever seen! (BEAT) Mind
you, I’ve paid for a ticket now. I’m quite curious to see
what happens in the remaining 170 minutes, aren’t you?
ANTIGONE: I’m quite curious about what happened in the ten minutes
you’ve talked through.
WAVERING: (SITS) Gosh, you’re right - I’ve completely lost track of
what’s going on. Could you explain the plot as we go?
(EATS SOME POPCORN)
ANTIGONE: (GNASHES TEETH)
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SCENE 3.
FUNN FUNERALS.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) After that kind of evening, Antigone had even less
patience for her brother’s antics than usual. The very next
day had seen a funeral at the farmyard…
RUDYARD: I don’t think this morning could have gone any worse!
ANTIGONE: (MUTTERING) Carry the four, divide by the same-
RUDYARD: Antigone! Look at me! I am covered in mud!
ANTIGONE: Who cares!
RUDYARD: But… but… muuuud!
MUD SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.
ANTIGONE: Blaaargh – stop waving your hands about!
GEORGIE: You’ve only got yourself to blame, sir.
RUDYARD: That’s not true, Georgie, I’ve got you to blame!
GEORGIE: How?!
RUDYARD: You let go of the pig!
ANTIGONE: Could you take this outside? I am doing the accounts with
Madeleine!
MOUSE: (SQUEAK)
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RUDYARD: This fight will only take a minute.
ANTIGONE: Urghhhhhh-
RUDYARD: Georgie, if Chapman can do a service in the safari park
without any fuss-
GEORGIE: He’s got a lion taming licence; of course he can do that!
RUDYARD: So he can tame a lion but you can’t hold a pig?!
GEORGIE: HE WAS CUNNING!!
ANTIGONE: (LOSES TEMPER) Look, can I have just half a sodding
hour to get some proper work done without getting
constantly interrupted?!
FRONT DOOR BURSTS OPEN.
WAVERING: Antigone, Antigone! You inspired me and I’ve done it!
ANTIGONE: I never dream at night, because every day’s a nightmare.
RUDYARD: Reverend, what are you doing here – and where were
you this morning?
WAVERING: I was working on this – my magnum odyssey!
RUDYARD: You were meant to be doing our funeral! I’ll say it again,
Bill’s heart is not in it, and I am covered in mud!
GEORGIE: Let it rest!!
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WAVERING: I’m awfully sorry about those things but – Antigone, I took
your advice! I stayed up all night! And I’ve written it!
RUDYARD: Written what?
ANTIGONE: Don’t show them!
WAVERING / RUDYARD / GEORGIE: Why not?
GEORGIE: That was cool.
RUDYARD: What have you got there anyway?
WAVERING: It’s a brand new-
ANTIGONE: Sermon.
WAVERING: Oh!
ANTIGONE: And you can’t read it yet.
RUDYARD: What’s the big mystery; I want to see it!
ANTIGONE: Rudyard, I won’t let you get mud all over the Reverend’s
brand new sermon! Georgie, put him in the sink.
GEORGIE: Come on then, Reverend.
WAVERING: Fair enough.
ANTIGONE: Not him! Rudyard! Go and get washed!
RUDYARD: Not while you’re keeping something secret from us!
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ANTIGONE: Do you really want to read a sermon about the possible
existence of God?
RUDYARD: Oh, so you want us to read it! Reverse psychology – I
won’t fall for that. I’m going for my bath.
OTHER DOOR OPENS.
(OFF) Georgie, boil some water.
GEORGIE: (OFF) You’ll have it cold and like it.
DOOR CLOSES AS THEY BOTH EXIT.
ANTIGONE: Reverend, you can’t just burst into places holding a
pornographic book!
WAVERING: I don’t see why not! I’m proud of it! It exists! God may or
may not have created me, but I’ve definitely created a
salacious masterpiece! Here, have a butcher’s.
HANDS OVER HEAVY MANUSCRIPT.
ANTIGONE: Ooof! There must be over four hundred pages! You wrote
the whole thing overnight?
WAVERING: Go on, pick a section. I’ve tried to make sure every page
has a titillating encounter of some kind, so you can open
it anywhere and find what you need. Just like the Bible!
ANTIGONE: OK… (CLEARS THROAT) “Joby looked at Harriet with
naughtiness in his eyes and naughtiness on his mind….
(CONT’D OVER)
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ANTIGONE: Harriet looked at Joby with naughtiness in her eyes and
naughtiness on her mind. One thing was for sure: they
both wanted to have naughtiness with each other. And
then they did. Later that day-“ Ah – mm. Reverend, I don’t
like to say this but, er, where’s the er… the you know.
WAVERING: What?
ANTIGONE: The – the -… (HUSHED) sex.
WAVERING: Oh! The sex!
KITCHEN DOOR OPENS.
RUDYARD: The what?
ANTIGONE: Get back in the sink!
DOOR CLOSES.
Yes, there’s no description. Sensual or otherwise.
WAVERING: Well, I didn’t want to get too personal, you understand.
ANTIGONE: It’s just instead of using the word “naughtiness” five times
you could use a different word. And instead of all the
other words, you could use… Something like… Maybe…
“Joby gazed at Harriet’s heaving chest, and flames of lust
spread throughout his body. As Harriet looked down at
him, upon the ground, no less a fire began within her.
Both of them were prepared to burn for each other. And
burn… they did.”
WAVERING: Oh… my.
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ANTIGONE: I’d like a glass of water.
WAVERING: That was hot stuff, Antigone! And then you come in with,
“Later that day-“?
ANTIGONE: No! Then you actually describe the...
WAVERING: Flaming naughtiness, yes. You know, everything’s so
clear to me now! I can’t write this book – without you!
ANTIGONE: ... Without me?
WAVERING: I was thinking of asking Desmond, but he’s so frightfully
busy, and I’m not sure he’d really approve. But you! Why,
you’re clearly au fait with all sorts of smut!
ANTIGONE: How dare you, what do you mean - I need to sit down.
WAVERING: Together we could be the DH Lawrence of erotic fiction!
ANTIGONE: He did write erotic fiction.
WAVERING: That’s what I mean! It’s not sordid – it’s an expression of
human and spiritual truth, with riding crops!
ANTIGONE: I suppose writing that sort of thing could be quite…
liberating. But surely I couldn’t?
WAVERING: Of course you could! We’ll write it for anyone who yearns
for that little bit of harmless spice though they’re too
ashamed to admit it.
ANTIGONE: So that’s-
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WAVERING: Practically everyone, give or take, yes.
ANTIGONE: Hmm… All right, I’ll do it. But on one condition: we write
the book under a pseudonym.
WAVERING: Why’s that?
ANTIGONE: One, because I want it, and two because you’re the
Reverend. Doesn’t the Bible frown on this sort of thing?
WAVERING: I’ll take your word for it. Though I suppose no one wants
to know that the erotica they’re reading was written by the
Reverend! That’s a right turn-off.
ANTIGONE: So this needs to be our secret.
WAVERING: I say, that sounds a lark.
ANTIGONE: So what’s going to be our pseudonym? It should be
elegant and sensual, like the story itself.
WAVERING: I’ll choose the surname, you choose the first?
ANTIGONE: OK. Octavia.
WAVERING: Blimp.
ANTIGONE: … Really?
WAVERING: Oh yes.
ANTIGONE: I… (SIGHS) Then that’s our name. It’s time to begin the
literary career of Octavia Blimp.
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SCENE 4.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Having made their pact, Antigone and Wavering
now required a place where a couple of writers could
work without detection…
CAFÉ, CHAPMAN’S. BUSY ATMOS.
WAVERING: Goodness me! This café is packed!
WAITER: Hello, welcome to Chapman’s – can I get you a table?
ANTIGONE: Yes, somewhere quiet - we're trying to work.
WAITER: Ah, you’re writing a novel?
ANTIGONE: What?! Why would you think that?
WAITER: That’s what everyone else here is doing.
ANTIGONE: Drat!
WAITER: Mine’s about a time travelling cat from the future who
meets a dog from the past.
WAVERING: Is it a children’s book?
WAITER: (SCOFFS) No!
ANTIGONE: Maybe we should go.
WAVERING: Hang on. Why not simply hide in plain sight? They’re all
too busy with their own, less erotic novels to notice us.
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ANTIGONE: Good point. Let’s take that table over there.
THEY SIT DOWN.
WAVERING: Now, I’ve been giving your comments a lot of thinking –
especially about the sex-
THE WAITER KNOCKS OVER A TABLE (AN OLD
COUPLE GASP) TO GET TO THEM.
WAITER: Did somebody say-?!
ANTIGONE: No! Go away.
WAITER: (CLICKS FINGERS) Shoot.
WAVERING: About the… the flaming naughtiness, and I’ve written
down a few scenarios. About thirty or so.
ANTIGONE FLICKS THROUGH PAPERS.
ANTIGONE: Thirty? Gosh – these are – well – incredibly vivid. Where
– did you even -
WAVERING: Think them up? I’ve no idea, they just came to me! I must
believe in divine inspiration. But don’t hold me to that.
ANTIGONE: Well it seems we’ve got half the book right here before
we even start. We should flesh out the characters next.
How about the lead? How do you see him?
WAVERING: Well, he’s got to be incredibly handsome. Charming.
ANTIGONE: Successful.
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WAVERING: And attractive to everyone, whatever their gender.
ERIC: Why hello there!
WAVERING: Oh hello Eric! Good day to you! How’s it going?
ERIC: Incredibly well! Didn’t expect to see you here, Antigone.
Can I get you some loose leaf tea, or a currant bun?
ANTIGONE: We don’t need those things. Just privacy.
ERIC: Oh gosh, is this a secret thing?
WAVERING: Yes it is!
TANYA: (OFF) A secret thing?
BILL: (OFF) Tell me more!
ANTIGONE: No! No! Everyone, get back to your coffees!
TANYA: (OFF) What a swizz!
ERIC: Oh I see, are you writing a novel?
WAVERING: Yes. // ANTIGONE: No!
WAVERING: I mean no, sorry. Silly me.
ERIC: I was a ghostwriter for John Grisham! Did a couple of his
over a weekend: see if you can spot which ones they are!
ANTIGONE: I won’t do that.
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ERIC: No, fair enough. I ought to shoot downstairs and embalm
Mrs Goodlife! Enjoy yoursel-
GEORGIE ENTERS THE CAFÉ.
GEORGIE: (OFF) Oi! Eric! Get us a latte will you? Stat!
ERIC: Oh, erm, sure thing, Georgie.
ANTIGONE: Nooo. Don’t come over don’t come over don’t come over-
GEORGIE: Hey.
ANTIGONE: (DISAPPOINTED) Bahhh.
GEORGIE: Still working on the sermon?
WAVERING: Oh, I’ve binned it. Starting from scratch! And to tell you
the truth-
ANTIGONE: Reverend.
WAVERING: - we’re just sitting here, minding our business.
GEORGIE: Yeah, that’s cool. I like doing that. Let’s have a look then.
SNATCHES PAPER.
ANTIGONE: No no no!
GEORGIE: “Behind the aquarium, while wearing the seal costume.“
WAVERING: Yeeees, I’m giving sermons in new places.
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GEORGIE: “At the circus on the high-wire.”
WAVERING: New and dangerous places.
GEORGIE: “This is the church, here’s the steeple, open my cassock
and here’s the-“
ERIC: Latte, Georgie?
GEORGIE: Oh, cheers. Put it on my tab. Now where was I?
ANTIGONE: Leaving.
ERIC: And where was I?
ANTIGONE: “Enjoy yourselves.”
ERIC: That sounds right. Oh, Georgie – you don’t have a tab.
GEORGIE: I do now. See ya.
EXITS CAFÉ.
ERIC: (DISGRUNTLED) The things I do.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
ANTIGONE: Finally! Let’s get writing.
WAVERING: Right! I thought we’d begin behind the bike sheds, but in
front of the bikes themselves!
ANTIGONE: Oh yes, that could work.
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SCENE 5.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) And so, through covert regular meetings in the
public café, Antigone and Wavering thrashed out their
novel – until, late one evening at the vicarage…
THE VICARAGE, EVENING. SCRIBBLING.
WAVERING: “They’d want each other always, and all over the shop,
and so they lived saucily ever after. The end-ing.”
ANTIGONE: Just “the end.”
WAVERING: Don’t you think that’s too abrupt?
ANTIGONE: No.
WAVERING: You’re so good at this. And we’re… done! Scandalliances
by Octavia Blimp! It’s finished! I can hardly believe it!
ANTIGONE: Ha! I’ve… I’ve written a novel.
WAVERING: I simply couldn’t have done this without you.
ANTIGONE: You’re the one with all the ideas.
WAVERING: Lord knows where they came from! Still, when you may
or may not believe that the world was created in seven
days by an omnipotent cosmic force, it’s not hard to
imagine some nookie on a golf course. Now, I’ll smuggle
this into the place I get our Bibles printed-
OFF-STAGE, FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED.
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MAYOR: (OFF) (SLIGHTLY DRUNK) Niiiigelll, I’m ho-o-ome!
WAVERING: He’s back from the pub!
ANTIGONE: Quick, hide the manuscript!
HURRIEDLY HIDE THE PAPERS. LIVING ROOM
DOOR OPENS.
MAYOR: Have you two finished that sermon yet?
WAVERING: Yes.
MAYOR: And have I brought home some… chips?
WAVERING: (EXCITED) Yes?!
MAYOR: That’s right! Chips for everyone!!
BRANDISHES CHIPS IN NEWSPAPER.
WAVERING / ANTIGONE / MAYOR: Hooray!
MADELEINE: (V.O.) In terms of literary merit, it was no Memoirs of a
Funeral House Mouse (buy the trilogy for Easter), but the
authors rightly celebrated the completion of their first
novel. Yet, having got it printed, how were they going to
get it out to the public?
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SCENE 6.
CHAPMAN’S BOOK NOOK.
ERIC: Well hello again! Welcome to Chapman’s Book Nook!
ANTIGONE: How can this place have a bookshop in it as well?
ERIC: Opened it last week! For those who need material to stick
into their eulogies!
WAVERING: It’s about time they had some variety.
ERIC: How about you two? Need some inspiration for that
whatever-it-is you aren’t working on? Or if you need
somewhere to store that enormous sack you’re carrying,
we have a cloakroom – I’ll fetch the valet.
ANTIGONE: No no, we’ll just have a browse! Come on Reverend.
THEY HURRY TO ANOTHER SECTION.
WAVERING: Ah, here we are! The erotic literature section. He doesn’t
leave any eulogy uncovered.
ANTIGONE: Archipelago of Ardour… Coral Reef of Carnal Heat…
WAVERING: The Rapture of Felicity Velvet! It’s just like my bookcase
back home!
ANTIGONE: But nothing new for the connoisseur! Right, get them off
the shelf and swap them with ours!
ERIC: (OFF) Erm, are you sure I can’t-
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WAVERING: Distract him!
ANTIGONE: Bloody Hell, erm – Christ – Chapman!
ERIC: Yes?
ANTIGONE: Have you have you have you… ever … stopped. To think
about your own funeral?
ERIC: Oh! You know, I actually haven’t.
ANTIGONE: But death could come at any moment! That bookshelf
could collapse and bury you in Bronte’s! And if you
haven’t got a plan then we’d end up doing the funeral!
ERIC: Well, Rudyard deserves a win, doesn’t he?
ANTIGONE: That wouldn’t bother you?
ERIC: I’d be dead, why would it? Um, what’s Nigel up to -
ANTIGONE: And this place! Who’d run it? When you’re dead?!
ERIC: Well, I don’t know. I don’t really want to think about it.
ANTIGONE: But you must!
ERIC: (STRESSED) But I can’t do that!
ANTIGONE: Will you have any regrets?
ERIC: I-
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ANTIGONE: Any wishes?
ERIC: I-
ANTIGONE: What’s going to be the last thought you have before you
finally die?!
WAVERING: (OFF) Done now!
ANTIGONE: (CHEERY) OK, nice to see you Chapman! Bye!
ANTIGONE RUNS AWAY.
ERIC: But – I – wait – what?
TANYA: Excuse me, Eric? How much is this?
ERIC: Scandalliances by Octavia Blimp? Erm… five pounds?
TANYA: Take my money!
THROWS THE COINS AT HIM.
ERIC: Aaarghh!
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SCENE 7.
MADELEINE: (OFF) Antigone and the Reverend escaped from
Chapman’s with their secret identities intact.
OUTSIDE CHAPMAN’S. DOORS SLIDE OPEN.
ANTIGONE: (GASPING) Well done, Reverend!
WAVERING: It’s on sale! It’s in the shop and everything!
ANTIGONE: But what if nobody buys it?
WAVERING: They will, don’t you worry!
DOORS SLIDE OPEN.
BILL: There’s slap and tickle on every page!
TANYA: And look at this metaphor! So fumbly and awkward. Just
like real sex!
BILL / TANYA: (LAUGH)
BILL: Ahh, let’s go read our books.
ANTIGONE: Reverend! They’re reading it!
WAVERING: They’re reading us!
ANTIGONE / WAVERING: We did it!
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MADELEINE: (V.O.) Our authors watched with glee as, over the next
few days, more and more people could be seen around
the village hiding their book behind newspapers, within
their jackets, and inside their Bibles. Soon, everybody on
Piffling was reading it! (SNIFF) Which I suppose is what
happens when you write something populist.
SCENE 8.
FUNN FUNERALS. FRONT DOOR OPENS.
GEORGIE: Hey guys! Have you seen this!
RUDYARD: What is it?
GEORGIE: Filthier than you could possibly imagine! Every character
is brilliant. Except the main guy. He’s a tool.
ANTIGONE: Oh, Scandalliances? I’ve never read it.
GEORGIE: It’s dirty as. You’d love it.
ANTIGONE: How dare you, that’s a lie! A barefaced lie!
GEORGIE: They bare more than their faces in this! Like, their bums!
RUDYARD: Georgie, the best thing you could do with that is tear it up
and use the pages as coffin padding. Like the last book I
was given.
GEORGIE: “How to Pad a Coffin” by G. H. Crimpton.
RUDYARD: Yes, I never read it. Too many coffins to pad.
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ANTIGONE: Well of course you’d be dismissive of Octavia Blimp and
her exquisitely crafted prose and sensual nuance!
RUDYARD: I thought you hadn’t read it?
ANTIGONE: And I thought you should shut up! (BEAT) Yeahhh.
SCENE 9.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Antigone’s first novel was a bit of a hit. I did glance
at a few pages, and they were, you know, fine, so
whatever. But! Across the village, in the church, her co-
author was soon to realise that things were about to get
complicated…
CHURCH.
HERBERT: Er, hallo Reverend.
WAVERING: Herbert! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here!
HERBERT: Um, you still do confessions don’t you?
WAVERING: Are you still a Catholic?
HERBERT: Yes.
WAVERING: Then I’ll pretend to be one too! Jump into the booth.
THEY GET INTO THE CONFESSIONAL.
So, what’s it all about Herbert?
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HERBERT: Well, you see, I was reading this book I bought at
Chapman’s – Scandalliances by Octavia Blimp.
WAVERING: Oh you were! Did you like it?
HERBERT: You’ve heard of the book?
WAVERING: Never. But, well, if you’re confessing that you enjoyed it
then God forgives you and commends you on your taste.
HERBERT: Well, it’s just… Do you remember last year, when I came
in here to confess to you about that… thing I was having
with Celia Sesame? Behind her husband’s back?
WAVERING: Oh yes, she went in for the popcorn and stayed for-
HERBERT: Yes yes, exactly. It was shameful.
WAVERING: Naturally, I remember that. Every word of it!
HERBERT: Well, I know this is going to sound a bit mad, but there’s
this chapter in Scandalliances which is exactly the same
as what happened to me! Every word! With the names
changed. Now, how on Earth could that have happened?
WAVERING: (PAUSE) Oh my God.
HERBERT: It can’t be a coincidence!
WAVERING: Oh my God.
HERBERT: Extremely specific things we got up to with the-
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WAVERING: Oh my Jesus God!!!
HERBERT: It’s only a matter of time before someone puts two and
two together and realises that I’m the handsome,
chiselled Adonis with the strength of a wild bull!
WAVERING: Right, OK, right, listen to me Herbert – are you sure you
didn’t tell anyone else about your affair?
HERBERT: No, I felt too awful. With the memory of my wife-
WAVERING: Think, man! Did anyone ever see the two of you
together? Did someone overhear you on the phone? You
could have mentioned it in your sleep!
HERBERT: Or even in somebody else’s sleep!
WAVERING: Precisely! Or – or maybe it’s a sign from God, to guide
you towards penance! He, in all His glory, inspired the
hand of this supremely gifted author to create a situation
so similar and so sexy that only you could recognise it!
HERBERT: So should I keep reading?
WAVERING: Oh Heavens yes, and if anyone should ask you anything
about your conduct, then do the decent thing, and deny it
with every breath in your body.
HERBERT: Right, well, cheers Reverend. Who should I send in next?
WAVERING: Next?
HERBERT: Yeah, looks like quite a queue waiting to confess to you.
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CURTAIN DRAIN ASIDE. QUEUE OF PEOPLE.
ERIC: Afternoon Nigel!
WAVERING: Eric?
ERIC: Look, I won’t take up too much of your time as you’ve
clearly got a rush on, but I’ve been receiving money for
the sales of an erotic novel I didn’t even stock.
WAVERING: So why have you come to see me? I’m innocent, I tell
you! INNOCENT!
ERIC: (CONFUSED) Well I’m sure, but I didn’t stock the novel
so I don’t feel I should keep the money. And there are no
contact details so I can’t even tell the author.
WAVERING: Oh! Well! Don’t worry about it!
ERIC: I thought about donating it all to the church?
WAVERING: What are you suggesting?!
ERIC: Nothing! But what should I do with the money?
WAVERING: Keep it! Have a holiday! Buy a copy of the book!
ERIC: Well I did read a few chapters, and there’s this bit set on
a hot air balloon I’m concerned about. Do you remember
last week when I told you about-
TANYA: (PUSHING IN) Reverend! I must speak to you!
WAVERING: Tanya?
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TANYA: Someone’s put my sexy life in a sexy book!
BILL: And mine! Especially mine!
HERBERT: (BURSTS IN) Celia’s husband! He’s here! You’ve got to
hide me! Hide me!
HERBERT / ERIC / BILL / TANYA: (OVERLAPPING PANICKED CHATTER)
WAVERING: (TO SELF) What have I done?!
MADELEINE: (V.O.) And that’s why writing books is hard work.
SCENE 10.
FUNN FUNERALS, MORTUARY. EMBALMING
MACHINE HUMMING.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Meanwhile, Antigone was picking up the scandal
herself while embalming in the mortuary…
JENNIFER: (D) This is Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM with a special
announcement!
GEORGIE: Can you turn that off, I’m trying to read.
ANTIGONE: Shush, Georgie!
JENNIFER: (D) The village of Piffling Vale is gripped between the
toned thighs of terror that constitute Octavia Blimp’s
pages of appropriated steamy shenanigans!
ANTIGONE: Appropriated?!
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JENNIFER: (D) That’s right, appropriated! It appears that some
readers may already be intimately familiar with the
contents of her novel, and the question on everybody’s
lips is: ‘how did my scandalliance get found out?’
ANTIGONE: (BEAT) Life is so cruel.
JENNIFER: (D) Here to shed some light is Piffling’s resident snoop,
Agatha Doyle. Welcome to the show!
AGATHA: (D) Delighted to be here.
GEORGIE: Heh! Blimp is going to get busted!
ANTIGONE: No no no no!
JENNIFER: (D) Ms Doyle, who is Octavia Blimp?
AGATHA: (D) Well I’ll tell you who she isn’t.
JENNIFER: (D) That sounds like it’d take quite a long time.
AGATHA: (D) It won’t. For you see, there is nobody on Piffling who
goes by either of those names.
JENNIFER: (D) So they could be on another island altogether?
AGATHA: (D) Correct!
ANTIGONE: Yes!
AGATHA: (D) But I doubt it.
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ANTIGONE: No!
AGATHA: (D) I think it is a person from this island writing under a
pseudonym.
JENNIFER: (D) Now I’m confused! You said you’d tell us who it isn’t,
but if it’s someone using a fake name, then you can’t
even tell us that.
AGATHA: (D) Well I have managed to rule some people out
already. Myself, for example. But I’d like to reassure
everyone listening-
JENNIFER: (D) If indeed anyone is!
AGATHA: (D) – that the culprit will be found, or my name isn’t
Agatha Doyle!
JENNIFER: (D) (GASP) Does that mean Agatha Doyle is a fake name
too?
AGATHA: (D) ... No. But it does mean that I’m about to head
straight to the Piffling Royale.
ANTIGONE: Why?!?!
AGATHA: (D) I understand that every Thursday they show films of a
decidedly French nature – exactly the sort of thing to
influence our naughty author. When I find out who’s been
going there every Thursday, I expect the list of suspects
will be considerably narrowed down.
GEORGIE: Hey, don’t you go to the cinema every Thursday-
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ANTIGONE: Shut up, I’m hyperventilating!
JENNIFER: (D) Best of luck, Ms Doyle, and before you go we’re
about to play a round of Pin the Tale To the Raunchy! I’ll
read a titillating titbit from Scandalliance and you listeners
at home try to guess which of your friends it refers to!
AGATHA: (D) Is that legally acceptable?
JENNIFER: (D) Let’s find out!
RADIO SWITCHED OFF.
GEORGIE: Antigone. Did you write this book?
ANTIGONE: (HEAVY BREATHING, GOING MENTAL. BEAT) No.
DOOR BURSTS OPEN.
WAVERING: Antigone! That book we wrote together has gone wrong!
ANTIGONE: Urghhhh.
GEORGIE: Both of you wrote it? Flipping Nora! This is brilliant!
ANTIGONE: It is not brilliant! Because my co-author stole all his
exceedingly intimate stories from real life actual people
who aren’t happy about it!!
WAVERING: I was wondering where I got all the stories from and it
was only today that I realised – from confessions!
ANTIGONE: From CONFESSIONS?!
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WAVERING: Do you think the Pope will mind?
ANTIGONE: Who cares?! You not only wrote a book about other
people’s seeeeex lives but you broke all number of
confidences to do it!
WAVERING: If this gets out, nobody will ever confide in me again! I’ll
be defrocked! Just like every character in the book!
ANTIGONE: And Agatha Doyle’s about to go the cinema to find out the
names of every regular Thursday night customer!
WAVERING: Oh that’s all right then, I’ve only been once.
ANTIGONE: WHAT ABOUT ME?!
GEORGIE: OK, you guys, relax!
ANTIGONE: When people find out I wrote this, they’ll start to imagine
all manner of things about me, and some of them might
be right, but a lot of them will be wrong, and I don’t want
to think about anything at all ever again!
GEORGIE: Look, it could still be all right – but we’ve got to act
quickly, and we’re going to need some help!
ANTIGONE: Nobody can help us now!
GEORGIE: There’s just one man who might!
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SCENE 11.
FUNN FUNERALS, UPSTAIRS.
RUDYARD: No.
ANTIGONE: But-
RUDYARD: No.
WAVERING: Please.
RUDYARD: No.
ANTIGONE: But why nooooot?
RUDYARD: Because I’m reading this book – with my eyes as closed
as they physically can be – and I’m appalled at you.
Madeleine, have you seen this stuff?
MOUSE: (SNOOTY SQUEAK)
RUDYARD: No, you wouldn’t want to.
GEORGIE: Nah, it’s great! It’s moving but in a very specific way.
RUDYARD: I’m not interested! This jack-the-lad lead is like no one
I’ve ever met, and I don’t understand half the words
anyway. This is degenerate filth.
WAVERING: Yes it is and we were jolly proud of it until half an hour
ago! We’ve changed the landscape of erotica forever!
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ANTIGONE: The Reverend’s right! It might not be your cup of hot
water, Rudyard, but to a lot of people this kind of thing
expresses an important and desperate need!
RUDYARD: And what about Funn Funerals’ needs? This scandal
could completely ruin us! Antigone, you should be
ashamed of yourself!
ANTIGONE: No! I will no longer be ashamed of doing two things that
every person should have the right to do: think about-
WAVERING: Sex.
ANTIGONE: Thank you – and express themselves creatively!
RUDYARD: I don’t do either of those things.
WAVERING: And nor should you have to, but don’t turn your nose up
just because we like to!
RUDYARD: Well… you both make a compelling case.
ANTIGONE: Yes!
WAVERING: We do!
RUDYARD: So you should tell Agatha Doyle you wrote the book.
ANTIGONE / WAVERING: No we can’t do that!
RUDYARD: Then what do you expect me to do about it?
GEORGIE: You’re going to help them Hindenburg the Blimp.
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RUDYARD: … These words, they mean nothing.
WAVERING: If we could, we’d have loved to write a follow-up, and a
follow-up to the follow-up, and a spin-off to the-
RUDYARD: Yes.
ANTIGONE: Maybe a film.
WAVERING: But we can’t. Antigone and I have talked about this and
our fling with Octavia Blimp has to end. So we need to kill
her off, and give her… a funeral.
RUDYARD: You want me to bury a made-up person?
WAVERING: That’s about the size of it, yes.
RUDYARD: (BEAT, DOUR) I mean this’ll probably be the emptiest
experience I’ve ever had, but I can’t see another way
forward… OK. Hand me those books.
ANTIGONE: Why?
RUDYARD: We’re going to need something to pad the coffin.
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SCENE 12.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) And so the word got round that Octavia Blimp,
notorious erotic author and one hit wonder, had died of
an overdose of royalties. The village turned out in force to
make sure that the story was true…
CHURCH. BUSTLING CROWD.
RUDYARD: I can’t believe our biggest funeral of the year is burying
your stacks of shameless smut.
ANTIGONE: Oh be quiet, Rudyard. We created art.
RUDYARD: Toddlers can create art, Antigone, but you don’t see them
asking me to bury a coffin full of books. Still, at least we
look popular for once.
ERIC: I’ll say you do!
RUDYARD: Chapman! There you are. I bet you wish you could be
burying a great literary figure, eh? I mean, her book was
entirely tasteless, but you can’t deny it had impact.
ERIC: You’re right! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little envious
that somebody this high profile slipped away under my
nose. How’d you get her?
RUDYARD: She must have realised I’d do her justice.
ERIC: You described her work as entirely tasteless.
RUDYARD: (SOURLY) I enjoy these chats.
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WAVERING: I say, Antigone. Time to get it over with, I think.
ANTIGONE: Do we… do we have to?
WAVERING: They’d only find out, one way or the other. (DEEP
BREATH) Wish me luck.
CROWD MURMURING. WAVERING STEPS
FORWARD TO BEGIN CEREMONY.
Everybody! In a moment, I shall ask you all to step
outside with me to bid a fond and perhaps controversial
farewell to Octavia Blimp. But before we do, I should like
to say that, well… Octavia Blimp seemed to come out of
nowhere, and plugged a hole in the bathtub of our lives
that most of us never realised we needed filled. And just
as soon as the water in that bathtub began to rise,
tingling us with her bubbly warmth, she was yanked
sharply away… and that warmth was drained before we
ever had the chance to truly soak in it.
CROWD MURMUR, GENERALLY AGREEABLY.
She made us feel giddy with excitement and potential, as
though, through her work, we could be who we needed to
be. I hope that feeling will linger beyond her passing.
(BEAT) And, you know folks, I’m sure that it will. For
Octavia Blimp was truly a part of us. She was
everybody… and yet nobody… and yet, perhaps,
specifically somebody. Maybe two somebodies, tops. But
what I’m saying is… we shall miss her – and we shall
look to the future. Thank you.
POLITE APPLAUSE.
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MADELEINE: (V.O) As the crowd lingered to peer at the firmly closed
coffin, the Reverend rejoined his co-conspirator.
ANTIGONE: For a moment, I thought you were about to make a
confession of your own.
WAVERING: Yes. That would have been satisfying! But as Moses may
have said, “You can’t drink the sea and part it too.”
ANTIGONE: You’re right. Better to let this one go. Quietly.
WAVERING: Back to normal.
ANTIGONE: Back to the mortuary. (BEAT) It was quite liberating,
wasn’t it? For a while. That was new.
WAVERING: I’ll say one thing: if we do write another book together…
let’s put our names on it.
ANTIGONE: (SAD SMILE) Let’s.
MADELEINE: (V.O) But – aha! – a new buzz was beginning!
AGATHA: So! Octavia Blimp was a real person after all! I’d love to
have met her. I read the book cover to cover six times –
er, searching for clues as to her identity, you see – and I
have to say, it’s a terrific read!
JENNIFER: Yes! I don’t usually read anything, but the writing in this
was so eloquent, it created pictures in my head! Almost
like I wasn’t reading at all!
ERIC: She wrote some passionate prose!
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BILL: It’s given me my own idea for a novel!
TANYA: And me! About a woman who divides her life between
doing things, and having sex!
HERBERT: I want to write about a cinema projectionist who has an
affair!
GEORGIE: That was in Octavia’s book.
HERBERT: Damn. That was my only idea.
BILL: Think of another!
HERBERT: You’re right!
CONTINUED EXCITED CROWD MURMURING.
WAVERING: (CLOSE) I say, Antigone! Do you hear that! It sounds like
we’ve kick-started a new wave of ribald writing!
ANTIGONE: (CLOSE) We did make a difference after all!
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Yes, the whole village became inspired to write
their own naughty books – even me! Expect A Vole in
One to hit your Kindles within the month. And so Antigone
was able to go on, with an unfamiliar and deserved sense
of personal satisfaction. As she had said, she had made
a difference. And that was all that mattered.
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SCENE 13.
PIFFLING ROYALE CINEMA. DOORS OPEN.
ANTIGONE: Good evening, Herbert. … Herbert? Herbert, where are
you? (CALLS) Are you in the auditorium, Herbert?
OPENS AUDITORIUM DOORS. INSIDE, A HUGE
CROWD OF PEOPLE, WAITING FOR FILM.
(COLD HORROR) No.
GEORGIE: Hey, Antigone!
HERBERT: There you are! It’s our very first sell-out!
TANYA: I’m bound to get ideas from this!
BILL: Me too!
ERIC: You know, they show them every Thursday!
HERBERT: Season tickets for everyone! Come along, Miss Funn! I’m
sure we can squeeze you in somewhere!
EXCITED CHATTER INCREASES AS FILM
STARTS.
ANTIGONE: Ohhhh Goddddddddd!!!
THEME TUNE.
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ANNOUNCER: Altar Ego was written by James Hamilton and James
Huntrods, and edited by David K. Barnes. It was
performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as
Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Ciara Baxendale as
Georgie, Andy Secombe as Reverend Wavering, Andy
Hamilton as Herbert Cough, Alana Ross as Jennifer
Delacroix, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Sean Baker
as the Mayor, and Belinda Lang as Madeleine, with
additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.
Original music composed by James Whittle and the
production manager was Elizabeth Campbell. Special
thanks to our Kickstarter backers Mary and Rita Gielen.
The programme was recorded at ArtSpace Studios, and
was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John
Wakefield.
